I'm still a mess... I've got a long way to go...

Hello!

I know it's been awhile since I have been here, I've switched accounts and sadly this is the only blog left on this account that isn't on my new account and I'm not into the mood of moving it. So... here it stays. 

Whoa got a little distracted right there.

Things are going.... well, they're going. That's all that matters. One foot in front of the other and eventually I'll get to where I need to be. This blog was suppose to be where I wrote down everything in my life that was going on, everything that frustrated me and everything that is part of the healing process. And I haven't done that. I'm sorry self, I'll try to do better. Considering there are exciting things that are bound to be happening very soon.

Also, my YouTube and my blog, though they're coming from the same place have completely different content. I just noticed that. How strange...

So today, I had a big of anxiety and I vlogged about it earlier. If you'd like to see that video, it's right [[ here ]]. I don't know the source or why now, why today. But I do know on Tuesday night, after M hung out with his friend I woke up twice that night crying from bad dreams. Though in the first bad dream, I did manage to shoot up her car. Don't know if she was in it or not but that doesn't matter. Maybe I was crying because she wasn't and the bitch got away. Who knows. 

But last night I reached out to the 3rd person in their little circle of bff's and I guess this was a bad idea. Since she was close to M's friend I don't know what made me think she might actually be a nice and decent person because she really is not.

It sort of made me really mad how she said I don't even know you so how can I feel like I owe you something or even be able to betray you. When she was in on the whole him telling them not to tell me where he is the night he didn't come home. It was HER going away dinner. But it was her friend I called the cops on as well as him. She got on a plane before I thought to call the cops, lucky her. Then she says that I've never had close guy friends. Are you kidding me? I'm not even going to get into that because it's not relevant. The bottom line is I asked her a simple question and instead of a yes or no answer, she goes rage bitch on me. The only other time I've messaged her was when M was missing asking if she knew where he was --- to which she didn't even respond to.

You would think if someone was hanging out with your husband they would at least have the decency to respect you. But obviously these two girls don't understand the meaning of respect. Then again, neither does M so I guess that's what made them all BFF's. 

Did I mention I wasn't allowed to meet her and I'm not allowed to meet his "BFF" he hangs out with every single Tuesday for 12-16 hours? Yeah. I'm not allowed to meet her, EVER. I'm not allowed to go visit the park he works at. Nothing. I can't even watch Fantasmic. 

So all this stuff just piling up is stressing me out and he acts like I just have to get over it. Like it's not a big deal. And the best part --- he thinks he's completely innocent. So yeah. I'm here, in my bubble of crazy I guess. Feeling stressed out and hurt because of no reason at all since it's not like he's doing anything wrong. 

Yup.

I think it's time for bed.

Weird vivid random dreams...

[ credit: Pinterest here ]

This is actually really cute. Where can I get a candle holder like that? I should put that by my bedroom window... or something. Anyway, so off topic. But seriously. Doesn't it just look.... I don't know, magical?

Dreams.

Within the last week, week and a half I've been having really random vivid dreams. Kind of ever since I started reading Dream Boy for my October Reading Challenge and this isn't really the first time a book has somehow influenced my dreams. However, I think I've dreamt of almost every single person I know in real life within that time frame. I wake up a lot through out the night randomly and each time I go back to sleep it's a different dream with different people. But people I know.

Last night however I had a dream with people I didn't recognize and some who's faces I didn't even see. 

I was living in what looked like a frat house and my room had 4 people to it, including me. So I had 3 roommates total. I came home to find the door ajar and my laptop as well as one of my room roommates laptops stolen. I brought it up with everyone and one girl who lived in the house (but in a different room) said with sass "well why don't you two just buy another one with your YouTube money." like she was jealous we were vloggers but I didn't really feel the hate coming off of her, just that this was somehow common knowledge. Let's call her "queen bee". 

So anyway, I go back to my room and my other roommate is sitting on her bed and we're just looking at each other like is she foreal? Not to mention she was throwing a party no one else in the house knew about so me and my actual roommates were all hiding out in our room. I didn't recognize the people in the room with me and I don't even remember what the other two girls looked like. 

So the dream flashes and we're brought into this room which sort of reminds me of like a graveyard room in a "haunted house" at Six Flags I went to back in 2001 except the lights were on and there wasn't very many of us but "queen bee" was in control of what pops out and who it was going to pop out on from under a table. I know, that makes no sense. But my friend Rob was there with me and we made it out to an arcade area and I remember I just had to win this plushie toy thing. 

And that was the end of that dream.

I'm thinking of borrowing the idea from Dream Boy about making a dream journal. Writing out things in real life that are bothering me or just things that stick out basically and on the other side of the page write my dreams as I remember them. Just to see if there's any link between any of them. I'm sure there are. As I was looking up the meaning of dreams to Halloween, fear and roommates, it pretty much summed up things going on in my real life. 

Strange how that works out right?

Let's see how this goes.

Mood boards

I know it's been awhile since I've posted anything; I've jumped from idea to idea on what to do with this blog. I want to make it MORE than just a recovery blog. It's A Blissful Journey and I want to share things that make me happy or bring me bliss or something of that nature but I just can't figure out how to project that through this blog. While making it exciting. So I'm still playing around with idea's. Looking around for inspiration to what exactly it is I want to project in this blog. What I want you guys, the readers, to take away from it. My only hope is that this blog inspires someone else to go after what they dream of doing or to know that you're not alone or that there is help if you're willing to ask for it. But also that life is life. Life is always going to be life and it's short. Pay attention to the things that make you happy, the little things especially. I, myself am actively always trying to practice gratitude and man, it's hard.

Anyway...

I was cruising through Pinterest as I sometimes do and I came across this, a mood board. I mean I've heard of them before or like an inspiration board or something but in a physical aspect all I see is a poster board with chopped up magazines glued to it.

But when I took a look at some on Pinterest it appealed to me a little more. Some people had images, or quotes or color palettes. And I guess the idea is to put together something that would inspire you or evoke emotion when you look at it.

I'm totally interested in making my own mood board but honestly, I'm having trouble with what I'd actually put in it because I like to separate things so much. Let's see if I can let go of that and just throw together everything I find that inspires me haha.

What would be on your mood board? Would it be colors? Words? Would you have a theme?

People... and their religion

[ credit: Pinterest ]

I don't believe in God or Jesus or Mother Mary or The Holy Spirit.

But I use to.

I grew up in a Roman Catholic household and family. The things we could and couldn't do in church were strict. It wasn't a day of celebration. It was more like every Sunday we were mourning something. It was actually depressing now that I think about it. There was a lot of quiet. A lot of prayer. A lot of... I don't really remember because I was always so tired as a child from band comps that I pretty much would endure the hour and a half of complete and utter silence other than the pastor talking or him telling us to sing a song. Seriously. Depressing.

When my OCD hit me hard in 2006, I decided to make a change. A lot of my fears came from being sent to hell so I figured, let's change religions! To be completely honest, believing in God never felt right to me. It never made sense to me. There were so many questions I had and the only answer anyone could give you was "have faith". Uhm. Okay. Let me.... go.... do that... or the fact that The Bible isn't even written by Jesus just people who could had been completely misunderstanding what he was saying. Not to mention there's the new version and the old version. But there was a religion that was always in the back of my mind. One that any Catholic would completely misunderstand. That anyone, in general who is uneducated about the religion would misunderstand without actually doing a little bit of research. 

 

I feel like people are afraid to know the truth these days about things and would rather live in their blissful bubble of lies.

This blog post isn't meant to put down those who believe in God because while I don't, I respect the religion and the people who follow it. I still feel like certain things I do or say are sinful and even though I've removed myself from the practice of the religion you know, growing up with it... old habits die hard. 

The reason why I picked this particular image was because of the bottom quote:

 

But remember God works in his timing, not yours. Have patience.

 

Sometimes I do envy the people who give their lives to God. Who are completely okay with it. Because they have this thing that not many other people have --- they have someone they can "count on". They have someone they can "talk to". They have someone to thank and someone to ask for help from. 

 

And while I believe that it's not God who is doing these things, but the energy that you are simply putting out into the universe and getting back, they still have this thankful mindset. And people who believe in God, man, they take thankfulness to a whole 'nother level! 

You can see the difference in the people who grew up with this religion and who didn't. Who took something away from it growing up and who didn't and you can see how it shaped them as teenagers. As adults. And while I don't believe in the religion, I do believe it is something nice to grow up with because it does teach you a lot of things that become useful in your adult life.

God works in his timing, not yours. Have patience.

People believe that even though they've prayed for something, God will make it happen. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not next week and maybe not even next year. But when the timing is right it will happen. And it usually does. Catholicism teaches you to be patient. To stay optimistic about a situation no matter how horrible it is and on the days you can't deal with it, you pray. You pray for the strength to get through this and even though nothing is really happening, it does make you feel better. A little stronger. Like someone's got your back.

 

That's something I took away from growing up with Catholicism ---  patience that something good will happen. I just have to wait. That even if the situation were to go downhill, it just wasn't meant to be. I learned to respect people. I learned to show compassion. I learned to be aware. I learned to listen to myself. 

So just because a religion didn't feel like it was for me. Or something I could practice, I'm still glad I grew up with it. It helped a great deal in shaping who I am today as an adult. 

And most of all, it taught me that things will get better. I just have to have patience.

A week since then...

I know I've slacked in updating.

This blog was suppose to be a free platform where I could be as raw and as honest as I want to be. Because how can you heal if you're not raw and honest, especially with yourself? While I know this is still the internet and I'm learning that some things should be private.... whatever. I've grown up in a time where blogging was my thing. My whole life can be found in various places on the internet. Everything from my first kiss, a pretty detailed post of when I lost my virginity all the way up to the day I got married. So what difference does now make? Pretty much none.

I get a little ehh about writing. Sometimes I've have topics I want to write about and sometimes I'll have nothing to say. Which is totally okay. Most of my good blog ideas come to me right before I fall asleep. You know, when your eyes are slowly shutting and there's no way you're going to grab your phone and write this down so you're all "eh, I'll remember."

No you won't lol.

Friday marked a week since I started on 50mg and this week has been a struggle. It's been making me drowsy during the day and I just feel like a slug. I'm slowly getting adjusted to it. One more week of 50's then I'm on to 100's. Which will bring me back to being a slug. Yay. I can't wait.......

So this is pretty much what my week consisted of...

--- I got sunburned at work

Which is crazy because it's fairly hard for me to get sunburned. I don't spend too much time in the sun though and that day was craaaaazy humid. Though I guess standing in the epic Florida sun for about 8 hours straight can burn you. I was suppose to be indoors that day so I was totally unprepared. So now my skin on my forehead is peeling and while I'm trying to pick it off, it's really not doing much. I'm stuck with just waiting. Beanie hats for days over here!

--- Catching up on reading

I have a yearly goal of reading 50 books. Some years I hit 50, one year I hit 66... but this year I decided to cut it down to 30 because I wanted to enjoy books more instead of feeling like I was in some sort of race. I haven't picked up a book in months though, not since all that drama and crap started happening so now I'm playing catch up. There are a few titles that just came out that I'm looking forward to getting to know.

--- FALLLLLLLL!!!

I walked into Michaels and saw.... THE FALL STUFF IS OUT!! Fall is my FAVORITE season EVER and it sucks that Florida doesn't actually have a fall. We have two weathers basically; extremely sunny or stormy. And that's it. The leaves don't change, the air doesn't get crisp, nothing. In fact, in December it's still 90 degrees out. It's only cold in January. And even then it's only like, 60 degrees. But I'm planning on decking my new office out in all Fall stuff, all year. I managed to pick up 2 candles that Bath & Body Works had for their Fall preview week. There were 4 they had, one was a tri-layered one, I didn't know how to feel about it and the other smelled like a Jolly Rancher. I might go back for it but I'm happy with the two I got. Especially since I LOVE Leaves! It's probably THE BEST Fall candle scent, ever.

--- Ensure

When I was a kid my mom use to make me drink Ensure because I didn't drink milk and I was underweight... like I am now. Well I mentioned to her I dropped about 10 pounds and she immediately sent me Ensure. Of course. So I've been trying to drink a cup or two a day and while it hasn't proven to help me gain any weight just yet... here's to hoping that it will! Because it still tastes as awful as I remember.

--- Bejeweled Butterflies

I use to have this crazy obsession with this game. Like when I was doing NaNoWriMo one year, every time I got stuck I'd lay back and play Bejeweled Butterflies to just let my mind wander and I'd usually come up with something good. I haven't played in almost years and when I opened it back up, I got readdicted. My goal is always to save 300 butterflies. It's a lot harder than it looks! For as long as I've been playing I think I've only done it 3 times. And this took a week lol.

We're moving this week and my anxiety, while I can't really feel it, I know is stirring like crazy. Thankful I can't feel it cause right now would not be a good time. I haven't even begun packing yet so... you know, there's that. But I will be today and tomorrow and it really shouldn't take that long. I mean we have a lot of shit but it's not like packing up a whole house. I'm mostly worried about the fact that we have to take apart the bed, bring it over there and put it back together. My OCD HATES that idea. Along with what's going to happen to my desk and desk chair. And nightstand. Basically everything that has to stay "clean". But like M said, we can just disinfect it after and it'll be fine. 

Right. 

Here's to hoping it'll be fine.

I hope you all have a fantastic week!

Meditation... am I doing this right?

I decided to look into meditation and yoga before deciding on taking medication. I thought this is my last natural resort to try and rewire my brain myself. And it was something I hadn't tried yet, something I hadn't actually put much consideration into because well... I'm impatient. 

So I looked it up. And came across articles like this and this and this, articles that tell you how your life will change and you'll be calmer, it'll help you sleep and all these other amazing health benefits. A few tips, how to do it... all of that good stuff. Only to discover.... there isn't just ONE way to do either! Uh okay... now what? So I looked into all the different types of meditation and I researched which ones helped the most when it came to anxiety and Mindfulness came up.

[ credit: Pinterest ]

I just love infographics, don't you? They're fun!

From my understanding, when it comes to Mindfulness meditation the goal isn't to completely clear your mind. I mean, it is, but it isn't. It's more to be aware of yourself, your surroundings, of the thoughts that are floating in your mind --- to be aware of them but not to stick them around, just let them flow right passed you. 

For about a week every night before bed I would sit and I would try to relax and I would breathe. And my mind, I suppose because the day is pretty much over and all I had to do was some simple Yoga and go to bed after this, was pretty much empty. Which kind of frustrated me but it shouldn't had because it meant more time to be aware of myself. My breathing. Which I had a hard time doing. Which I still have a hard time doing. I keep telling myself inhale, exhale, feel the inhale and exhale --- wait, I didn't feel that exhale. Maybe you should exhale deeper. Wait, no don't do that, you'll get dizzy. You know what, just breathe. Seriously. My train of meditation thoughts.

I feel like I'm doing this wrong.

But I can't be mad because I literally just started. Going from this brain who has White Rabbit Syndrome (I made that up --- I feel like I'm the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland all the time saying I'm late! I'm late! because I literally always feel like I'm racing against time. Against what exactly? I don't know.) who always has to be on the GO and forcing myself to sit. Still. And breathe. And not think. Is going to be a challenge!

But how can you get something if you don't practice, right? So I'll keep at it. 

But seriously, am I doing this right?

Here we go...

So last night was night 7 and I was told to take half a pill of Zoloft for 7 nights then a whole pill the rest of the 7... so I guess I was suppose to take my last half a pill last night and my first whole pill tonight? Uh, oops.

Anyway.

I took my first whole pill along with 1/4 of anti-anxiety and I went to go start reading Divergent. I've put off this book for four years because it's massive. I mean, I've been part of the book blogging community for the last 4 years and I remember the hype around the release of this title and how everyone loved it and I always told myself I was gonna pick it up and I just didn't... I mean it took me 4 years to also pick up City of Bones and so I figure if I breezed through the first 3 books in The Mortal Instruments series in like 2 days I can finish Divergent within the 14 day borrow period I have. M went to see the movie and said it was great, he didn't read the book but everyone says it's as close to the book as The Hunger Games was so, that's good. Anyway I'm on chapter 5 so far and this is what I don't like about dystopia's... info dump. Like, I don't care about your parents conversation, I wanna know what's going to happen tomorrow NOW.

But, I was sitting up while I was reading and I was wide awake. Which kind of... confused me. Usually I have about 20 minutes after my shower before I knock out from the Zoloft. But I was wide awake. So I laid down after hitting chapter 5 and yup, there it was. The drowsy. Straaaaange. Yes, I'm totally going to test that theory tonight too. Let's hope I get through another 5 chapters. Or 10. 10 would actually be really nice.

We're not here to talk about books. We talk books over there.

So I woke up today actually feeling really good. Normal. It felt like waking up on the first morning of Spring. Like it felt like the sun was shining through the window and you could smell the clean cotton air and you could feel that Spring warmth and that light breeze.... except I was in bed, it was cloudy outside and I was under my covers but the ceiling fan was on!

But it literally felt like a new day.

Almost like... the first day of my new life.

And that feelings of contentment almost happiness... I don't really want to call it that because I'm kind of afraid of the word... is still with me and it's almost 830PM. Today was a breeze. Nothing happened that bothered me or stressed me. I paid my phone bill and was fine even. And that little voice and urge of creativity and wanting to do things is pulling at my soul. I can feel it!

And I'm really excited to see what tomorrow will be like.

I also need to start adding pictures to these blog posts cause they're kinda boring without them and also... I need to fix this template. Like, seriously.

Worse before better?

I'm nearing the end of my first week with Zoloft, meaning I can stop taking half and start taking a whole. Which sort of frightens me because the half made me pretty darn drowsy does that mean... the whole would make me twice as drowsy? Or does it not matter? I guess we shall find out!

I noticed yesterday morning I woke up really really depressed. Just for no particular reason. I just didn't have the desire to get up or do anything. I ended up laying in bed awhile longer watching Lilo & Stitch on Netflix before I got a voice mail from my leasing office about well... shit that stresses you out. So much for that relaxing moment... oh life.

But the depression seemed to stay with me the rest of the day, well into night when I was falling asleep. And it was a strong, deep, hopeless sort of depression. Not like the kind I've felt before but something entirely different. 

I woke up this morning with the same feeling and though now that it's almost 7PM it has lessened a bit but it's still pretty much there. I guess it doesn't help that my relationship life isn't really helping either but that's something I'd rather not talk about --- no matter how much it actually impacts this journey let's pretend it does not.

So I looked it up because that's what people do now with the power of the internet and Google and all that other stuff. And I came across this thread of people discussing the same issue. I know everyone reacts to medication, especially something like this completely differently than everyone else but it's nice to know that other people have experienced what I'm experiencing and that it will go away and there's nothing to worry about. I just have to push through.

In other news, I can see small changes that are working. Things I've wanted to talk about before and haven't. 

The other night I was with a friend in a crowded area, a typically crowded area and I normally hate when people touch me. If they brush up on me, if they accidentally touch me. Anything. It freaks me out, not sure why, but it's just this thing. So we're walking through this crowd and people are brushing up against me, bumping me, touching me and I'm just... walking right on through like none of this even matters. Like, I don't even care. And it wasn't until I got to a clearing that I realized what happened. We sat on a curb waiting for a parade to start and sitting ass-to-curb use to be a thing I did ALL THE TIME pre-OCD days but not something I do often or really ever now. But I plopped my ass down and waited and watched the parade with her, not moving, not caring, not freaking out. I didn't even dust my ass off like I "normally" would.

A pretty big accomplishment however happened last night.

I was sitting on my bedroom floor and I had my shoes on and I ran my hand across the carpet. Like, if you were just playing with it. It has been three years since my hand has touched carpet like that. THREE. YEARS. And I was just overwhelmed with happiness at what I was doing. I kept grabbing and running my hand over it and I wasn't freaking out. I wasn't worried. I wasn't set on getting up and washing my hands RIGHT NOW. I was enjoying every second of it.

Then when I went to take a shower my slipper accidentally hovered over the foot towel. I know my foot didn't come down so technically it didn't touch the towel so I shrugged it off and took a shower and moved on. Like it wasn't a big deal.

So things are changing --- little things. And while I'm excited about this new sense of freedom and not freaking out and getting anxiety I'm also a little scared. Because what happens? What happens when all these things I'm use to stop happening? What happens when it's the big things that start changing? What happens when it all goes away? What then? What will my life be like then? What will I be like then? It's like OCD is this friend that's always been with you, in your head, in your ear telling you these things (I never said it was a good friend) and with all these changes it's suddenly just me. Just me and silence. And it's almost like losing a part of you.

And I think a bit of my depression has to do with how I don't know how to deal with that.

Oh hi, hello.

I never know how to start new blogs.

Should I give you a little background?

Should I just jump straight into the point?

Should I just babble? 

Does it even matter?!

I guess a blog like this might call for a little bit of background information --- if you care enough to read it.

I think looking back I've always had some sort of OCD tendency but it wasn't something that really bothered me or something I really thought about. Just a "quirk" I guess. It wasn't until around early 2004 that OCD started to creep in a little stronger.

Me and my boyfriend did a lot of napping after school. His house, my house, whatever. We were really big on napping. Well one afternoon his older brother was home and he was stepping on my boyfriends bed --- which I had just been napping on --- with his shoes on. ALL OVER THE PILLOW. I was disgusted. I told my boyfriend about it and his response? "Oh, he does that a lot."

Excuse me?

My face was just smashed into that pillow not too long ago as I was drifted into blissful sleep and you're saying I was basically cuddling up with whatever shit was on the bottom of his shoe?! 

Needless to say I went home that night and took the longest shower of my life before getting into my own bed for the night.

From there the OCD just got worse. I'd shower every night I came home from his house. Then it turned into I had to vacuum before showering before bed every night. Then other things started happening; I was really big on keeping things "clean" and I suddenly had excessive urges to wash my hands. To not walk around barefoot even though we have carpet. Certain things couldn't be touched after I took a shower if I wasn't sure if it was "clean" or not. If my hand grazed the wall on accident trying to turn on a light switch I'd have to wash my hands. I was set on doing my own laundry because I wanted to make sure it was "clean". I'd keep my door closed so my pets couldn't roam into my room making my floor "dirty" even though my mom still did it and it caused me to vacuum twice a day, every day. 

And the anxiety just kept getting worse and worse. I remember the peek of it. I remember how helpless and confined and scared and out of control I felt. I remember how crazy my thoughts were because I didn't know what was happening or why or where it came from. All I knew was that it felt like there was a parasite in my brain telling me these things that didn't make sense, these things I had to do in order to "be calm" and that voice was SO STRONG. I remember it being so very strong and I remember trying to fight it and breaking down and crying because fighting against it meant my anxiety would run wild. 

I battled depression since I was 13. But I battled it alone and in secret. My mom is a psych nurse and she could tell I was depressed growing up and she would always say, "if you're depressed let me know" but other times she would say "if they find out you're crazy they'll throw you in my hospital." and for a very long time I didn't want to go to the doctor about my depression or my OCD because I was scared they would think I was crazy and lock me away. And it's a shame I grew up thinking that, maybe I could had gotten help sooner. 

In 2006, my OCD had completely taken over my life and my thoughts and I was so far gone that I was completely out of control. I was miserable. I was pretending. I was a huge huge mess. And so I bit the bullet and I started looking for a therapist. It took me two tries to find the perfect one. The first one I saw did nothing but try to push drugs on me which I declined --- I wanted to beat this on my own. And she told me that there was no way to cure it with just therapy alone and it's hopeless to even try. The only way is with drugs. So I thanked her for her time and moved on. The second therapist I saw didn't mind that I declined drugs but he was curious to know my battle plan and for a number of years he supported whatever idea I came up with. While therapy did and did not help, I will forever me thankful for his support when I felt so completely lost. The last time I saw him was in 2008 and I saw him again at the end of 2012 and when he saw me he looked shocked and said "you're not wearing a hood today." and I said "no, I'm not." and he said "last time I saw you, you were really concerned about keeping your hair clean so you'd always wear a hood." and I had completely forgotten about that. It touched me that he remembered and he noticed. Even after all these years.

It's a shame I had to move across the country and find another therapist. No other will compare to his dedication and support.

So it is now 2014 and I've lived with the ups and downs of OCD for ten years. There are times when I will "be better" and there are times where I will relapse and I think with OCD, it's so easy to because it's not some physical thing you can put your finger on. It's something that just happens. You can't really control it physically, you can't see it and you can't touch it.

I recently made the decision to start medication. Because I can't do this on my own and it's gotten to the point where it's taking over my life again. So I'm on the lowest dosage of Zoloft, half a pill a day for 7 days then a full pill once a day for 7 more days just to see where it goes. While waiting for that to kick in I'm on an anti-anxiety medication called Clonazepam again the lowest dosage anywhere from 1/4 to half a pill three times a day or as needed. I usually take half a pill during the day and 1/4 at night since the mixture of both the Clonazepam and Zoloft makes me drowsy.

So, this is my journey. 

Hopefully into taking my life back.