I'm still a mess... I've got a long way to go...

Hello!

I know it's been awhile since I have been here, I've switched accounts and sadly this is the only blog left on this account that isn't on my new account and I'm not into the mood of moving it. So... here it stays. 

Whoa got a little distracted right there.

Things are going.... well, they're going. That's all that matters. One foot in front of the other and eventually I'll get to where I need to be. This blog was suppose to be where I wrote down everything in my life that was going on, everything that frustrated me and everything that is part of the healing process. And I haven't done that. I'm sorry self, I'll try to do better. Considering there are exciting things that are bound to be happening very soon.

Also, my YouTube and my blog, though they're coming from the same place have completely different content. I just noticed that. How strange...

So today, I had a big of anxiety and I vlogged about it earlier. If you'd like to see that video, it's right [[ here ]]. I don't know the source or why now, why today. But I do know on Tuesday night, after M hung out with his friend I woke up twice that night crying from bad dreams. Though in the first bad dream, I did manage to shoot up her car. Don't know if she was in it or not but that doesn't matter. Maybe I was crying because she wasn't and the bitch got away. Who knows. 

But last night I reached out to the 3rd person in their little circle of bff's and I guess this was a bad idea. Since she was close to M's friend I don't know what made me think she might actually be a nice and decent person because she really is not.

It sort of made me really mad how she said I don't even know you so how can I feel like I owe you something or even be able to betray you. When she was in on the whole him telling them not to tell me where he is the night he didn't come home. It was HER going away dinner. But it was her friend I called the cops on as well as him. She got on a plane before I thought to call the cops, lucky her. Then she says that I've never had close guy friends. Are you kidding me? I'm not even going to get into that because it's not relevant. The bottom line is I asked her a simple question and instead of a yes or no answer, she goes rage bitch on me. The only other time I've messaged her was when M was missing asking if she knew where he was --- to which she didn't even respond to.

You would think if someone was hanging out with your husband they would at least have the decency to respect you. But obviously these two girls don't understand the meaning of respect. Then again, neither does M so I guess that's what made them all BFF's. 

Did I mention I wasn't allowed to meet her and I'm not allowed to meet his "BFF" he hangs out with every single Tuesday for 12-16 hours? Yeah. I'm not allowed to meet her, EVER. I'm not allowed to go visit the park he works at. Nothing. I can't even watch Fantasmic. 

So all this stuff just piling up is stressing me out and he acts like I just have to get over it. Like it's not a big deal. And the best part --- he thinks he's completely innocent. So yeah. I'm here, in my bubble of crazy I guess. Feeling stressed out and hurt because of no reason at all since it's not like he's doing anything wrong. 

Yup.

I think it's time for bed.

Meditation... am I doing this right?

I decided to look into meditation and yoga before deciding on taking medication. I thought this is my last natural resort to try and rewire my brain myself. And it was something I hadn't tried yet, something I hadn't actually put much consideration into because well... I'm impatient. 

So I looked it up. And came across articles like this and this and this, articles that tell you how your life will change and you'll be calmer, it'll help you sleep and all these other amazing health benefits. A few tips, how to do it... all of that good stuff. Only to discover.... there isn't just ONE way to do either! Uh okay... now what? So I looked into all the different types of meditation and I researched which ones helped the most when it came to anxiety and Mindfulness came up.

[ credit: Pinterest ]

I just love infographics, don't you? They're fun!

From my understanding, when it comes to Mindfulness meditation the goal isn't to completely clear your mind. I mean, it is, but it isn't. It's more to be aware of yourself, your surroundings, of the thoughts that are floating in your mind --- to be aware of them but not to stick them around, just let them flow right passed you. 

For about a week every night before bed I would sit and I would try to relax and I would breathe. And my mind, I suppose because the day is pretty much over and all I had to do was some simple Yoga and go to bed after this, was pretty much empty. Which kind of frustrated me but it shouldn't had because it meant more time to be aware of myself. My breathing. Which I had a hard time doing. Which I still have a hard time doing. I keep telling myself inhale, exhale, feel the inhale and exhale --- wait, I didn't feel that exhale. Maybe you should exhale deeper. Wait, no don't do that, you'll get dizzy. You know what, just breathe. Seriously. My train of meditation thoughts.

I feel like I'm doing this wrong.

But I can't be mad because I literally just started. Going from this brain who has White Rabbit Syndrome (I made that up --- I feel like I'm the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland all the time saying I'm late! I'm late! because I literally always feel like I'm racing against time. Against what exactly? I don't know.) who always has to be on the GO and forcing myself to sit. Still. And breathe. And not think. Is going to be a challenge!

But how can you get something if you don't practice, right? So I'll keep at it. 

But seriously, am I doing this right?