A week since then...

I know I've slacked in updating.

This blog was suppose to be a free platform where I could be as raw and as honest as I want to be. Because how can you heal if you're not raw and honest, especially with yourself? While I know this is still the internet and I'm learning that some things should be private.... whatever. I've grown up in a time where blogging was my thing. My whole life can be found in various places on the internet. Everything from my first kiss, a pretty detailed post of when I lost my virginity all the way up to the day I got married. So what difference does now make? Pretty much none.

I get a little ehh about writing. Sometimes I've have topics I want to write about and sometimes I'll have nothing to say. Which is totally okay. Most of my good blog ideas come to me right before I fall asleep. You know, when your eyes are slowly shutting and there's no way you're going to grab your phone and write this down so you're all "eh, I'll remember."

No you won't lol.

Friday marked a week since I started on 50mg and this week has been a struggle. It's been making me drowsy during the day and I just feel like a slug. I'm slowly getting adjusted to it. One more week of 50's then I'm on to 100's. Which will bring me back to being a slug. Yay. I can't wait.......

So this is pretty much what my week consisted of...

--- I got sunburned at work

Which is crazy because it's fairly hard for me to get sunburned. I don't spend too much time in the sun though and that day was craaaaazy humid. Though I guess standing in the epic Florida sun for about 8 hours straight can burn you. I was suppose to be indoors that day so I was totally unprepared. So now my skin on my forehead is peeling and while I'm trying to pick it off, it's really not doing much. I'm stuck with just waiting. Beanie hats for days over here!

--- Catching up on reading

I have a yearly goal of reading 50 books. Some years I hit 50, one year I hit 66... but this year I decided to cut it down to 30 because I wanted to enjoy books more instead of feeling like I was in some sort of race. I haven't picked up a book in months though, not since all that drama and crap started happening so now I'm playing catch up. There are a few titles that just came out that I'm looking forward to getting to know.

--- FALLLLLLLL!!!

I walked into Michaels and saw.... THE FALL STUFF IS OUT!! Fall is my FAVORITE season EVER and it sucks that Florida doesn't actually have a fall. We have two weathers basically; extremely sunny or stormy. And that's it. The leaves don't change, the air doesn't get crisp, nothing. In fact, in December it's still 90 degrees out. It's only cold in January. And even then it's only like, 60 degrees. But I'm planning on decking my new office out in all Fall stuff, all year. I managed to pick up 2 candles that Bath & Body Works had for their Fall preview week. There were 4 they had, one was a tri-layered one, I didn't know how to feel about it and the other smelled like a Jolly Rancher. I might go back for it but I'm happy with the two I got. Especially since I LOVE Leaves! It's probably THE BEST Fall candle scent, ever.

--- Ensure

When I was a kid my mom use to make me drink Ensure because I didn't drink milk and I was underweight... like I am now. Well I mentioned to her I dropped about 10 pounds and she immediately sent me Ensure. Of course. So I've been trying to drink a cup or two a day and while it hasn't proven to help me gain any weight just yet... here's to hoping that it will! Because it still tastes as awful as I remember.

--- Bejeweled Butterflies

I use to have this crazy obsession with this game. Like when I was doing NaNoWriMo one year, every time I got stuck I'd lay back and play Bejeweled Butterflies to just let my mind wander and I'd usually come up with something good. I haven't played in almost years and when I opened it back up, I got readdicted. My goal is always to save 300 butterflies. It's a lot harder than it looks! For as long as I've been playing I think I've only done it 3 times. And this took a week lol.

We're moving this week and my anxiety, while I can't really feel it, I know is stirring like crazy. Thankful I can't feel it cause right now would not be a good time. I haven't even begun packing yet so... you know, there's that. But I will be today and tomorrow and it really shouldn't take that long. I mean we have a lot of shit but it's not like packing up a whole house. I'm mostly worried about the fact that we have to take apart the bed, bring it over there and put it back together. My OCD HATES that idea. Along with what's going to happen to my desk and desk chair. And nightstand. Basically everything that has to stay "clean". But like M said, we can just disinfect it after and it'll be fine. 

Right. 

Here's to hoping it'll be fine.

I hope you all have a fantastic week!

Motivation Monday

This is a weekly thing I do on my lifestyle blog but I figure why not do it here too. Sans the goals I hope to achieve at the end of the week cause I ain't ready for all that just yet!

I usually pick a quote, usually something I see on Pinterest and add it to my blog post and kinda just talk about why I picked it.

For those who have been around me, I've kinda been living under a very depressing dark rock the last three months and I feel like the last three months just completely flipped my life inside out and I wish I could talk about what it was that did that but I don't think actually putting a name or reason to it would help either way and I'm trying to move passed it anyway. All I know was that I had never felt so alone or abandoned. I had never been so offended or hurt and I had never felt so betrayed by someone I trusted.

But it's like they say... Betrayal never comes from an enemy.

And that's something hard to remember. 

Growing up with depression, I fell apart a lot. After a break up, after situations with family members, when life just plain flat out sucked and sometimes just for no reason. I was always just falling apart and I would wait. I would wait until I hit the absolute hard rock bottom because that's when the best idea's came from. The best idea's on how to heal myself, on what to do, on where to go from here and it happened so often that the waiting became natural.

Since my OCD hit in 2004 it made dealing with depression very very complicated. It fed off each other. It fed off each other and intensified the other until my mind literally felt like it was going to explode out of my fuckin head and the only thing I could do was scream. I don't know what shifted, I don't know what I did. But I had to get rid of one and depression left. That's not to say I was never depressed, it was just a different level of sadness. You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness... but I didn't allow it to feed the OCD like it had and I didn't allow the OCD to come in contact with the depression. Like I said, I don't know what changed, it just happened that way. The brain does things and my brain has done a number of things both good and bad that I can't explain.

I completely came undone the last 3 months. I barely made it through school. I barely talked to anyone. I was always angry and I barely went to work. If it weren't for A, I probably would had never left the house. I was just done. Done with everything and everyone and what was going on and what was and wasn't changing and the hoplessness. It's been so long since I've felt that hopeless. I hope to never feel it again.

But falling apart isn't always negative. Isn't always bad. Like I said, when I was younger that's where the best idea's and the best blog posts came from. But now that I'm older I'm more of at a loss. I don't know how to rebuild. I don't have any epic idea's like I did before. And I don't know if it has anything to do with the fact that now I'm married and then I wasn't. But being married and dealing with OCD and falling apart? That's a whole blog entry on it's own. 

So while the last 3 months have sucked, I'll take everything that happened into consideration. I'll hold my head up high and I'll find my way back. I'll find my answers. I'll find my solutions and I'll walk away with this knowing it was a lesson learned.