Why hello, 2015

It is now officially 2015! 

Which means that all the bullcrap I went through in 2014 is over! Except, that's not really how life works. It is 2015, however the bullcrap that was going on in 2014? Yeah, it's still going.

M hates that picture even though I blurred it. But I think it's a pretty damn profound picture. Wish I had shot it with a better camera but alas, the best photos are usually taken with an iPhone. Portability or something.

This year I don't have any resolutions. I stopped doing that last year and went on to do onelittleword instead. I felt like resolutions are like this solid by the book list or things you had to cross off and the majority of them were things I didn't even get close to. So I decided to give myself the choice and flexibility and also not so much pressure through the year to keep reminding myself oh! I need to get started on this so I can check it off! Last year my word was [ happiness ] and I think I did a fairly good job at keeping that word in mind and making it come alive. Of course life does get in the way and it got in the way so much stronger and meaner than I ever thought it would but it did encourage me to push harder and reevaluate my life, my thought pattern and my emotions.

This year my word is [ rediscover ].

And I think after everything that has happened, it's a pretty good word to stand by and find ways to make it come alive. I'm on an extension of the journey I began last year and while I'm still trying to get back on the path of recovery that I oh so fell off of, I'm also on the journey to figuring out who I am. By myself. I haven't been by myself in over 11 years. Maybe longer than that. And all these years I spent taking care of someone else, I neglected myself. And now that shit has hit the fan, as hard and as painful (though I don't really see why) as it is, I need to walk away. For me. To better myself. To fully heal. Because sadly, the more time I spend around him, the more I'm taking two steps back. He's not here to help me or guide me or protect me. He's only making my journey that much harder and I hate to say that not really because at one point he was my biggest fan. But people change. They grow in different directions. They don't see the world in the same way. 

Yes, I have manners and expectations and I deal with situations differently and sometimes I forget that I'm expecting others to deal with these situations the way I would when they're far too young to even understand it. Call me when your frontal lobe is fully developed. But you are the company you keep, and I can't say the company he keeps is full of good people. Or even decent people. And so he brings all that crap and negative energy back home and --- I feel like Phoebe in the first episode of FRIENDS where she's picking at Ross' aura. Yeah I kinda feel like doing that, around my apartment.

In addition to my onelittleword I do have goals. Basic things I hope to accomplish as the year goes on.

• Read 50 books (yes I went back to 50)
• Transfer to Full Sail
• Allow my business to grow
• Look into starting a non-profit
• Look into / (and if you're daring enough) start an apparel line
• Start meditating and doing night time/morning yoga
• Practice gratitude and work on not letting other people harm you
• Be a bit more consistent with YouTube and blogging
• Start learning French again
• Less stuff, more growth

Here's to hoping for a fantastic year in which I finally be control of my own mind, my own actions and my own destination. It's going to be a challenge and it's going to be tough at times, that I can already tell --- as is anything else that counts as a big change in your life but I'm confident that I will come out of this year happier, stronger and in a much more positive place.

What are some things you hope to accomplish this year?

I'm still a mess... I've got a long way to go...

Hello!

I know it's been awhile since I have been here, I've switched accounts and sadly this is the only blog left on this account that isn't on my new account and I'm not into the mood of moving it. So... here it stays. 

Whoa got a little distracted right there.

Things are going.... well, they're going. That's all that matters. One foot in front of the other and eventually I'll get to where I need to be. This blog was suppose to be where I wrote down everything in my life that was going on, everything that frustrated me and everything that is part of the healing process. And I haven't done that. I'm sorry self, I'll try to do better. Considering there are exciting things that are bound to be happening very soon.

Also, my YouTube and my blog, though they're coming from the same place have completely different content. I just noticed that. How strange...

So today, I had a big of anxiety and I vlogged about it earlier. If you'd like to see that video, it's right [[ here ]]. I don't know the source or why now, why today. But I do know on Tuesday night, after M hung out with his friend I woke up twice that night crying from bad dreams. Though in the first bad dream, I did manage to shoot up her car. Don't know if she was in it or not but that doesn't matter. Maybe I was crying because she wasn't and the bitch got away. Who knows. 

But last night I reached out to the 3rd person in their little circle of bff's and I guess this was a bad idea. Since she was close to M's friend I don't know what made me think she might actually be a nice and decent person because she really is not.

It sort of made me really mad how she said I don't even know you so how can I feel like I owe you something or even be able to betray you. When she was in on the whole him telling them not to tell me where he is the night he didn't come home. It was HER going away dinner. But it was her friend I called the cops on as well as him. She got on a plane before I thought to call the cops, lucky her. Then she says that I've never had close guy friends. Are you kidding me? I'm not even going to get into that because it's not relevant. The bottom line is I asked her a simple question and instead of a yes or no answer, she goes rage bitch on me. The only other time I've messaged her was when M was missing asking if she knew where he was --- to which she didn't even respond to.

You would think if someone was hanging out with your husband they would at least have the decency to respect you. But obviously these two girls don't understand the meaning of respect. Then again, neither does M so I guess that's what made them all BFF's. 

Did I mention I wasn't allowed to meet her and I'm not allowed to meet his "BFF" he hangs out with every single Tuesday for 12-16 hours? Yeah. I'm not allowed to meet her, EVER. I'm not allowed to go visit the park he works at. Nothing. I can't even watch Fantasmic. 

So all this stuff just piling up is stressing me out and he acts like I just have to get over it. Like it's not a big deal. And the best part --- he thinks he's completely innocent. So yeah. I'm here, in my bubble of crazy I guess. Feeling stressed out and hurt because of no reason at all since it's not like he's doing anything wrong. 

Yup.

I think it's time for bed.

Oh hi, hello.

I never know how to start new blogs.

Should I give you a little background?

Should I just jump straight into the point?

Should I just babble? 

Does it even matter?!

I guess a blog like this might call for a little bit of background information --- if you care enough to read it.

I think looking back I've always had some sort of OCD tendency but it wasn't something that really bothered me or something I really thought about. Just a "quirk" I guess. It wasn't until around early 2004 that OCD started to creep in a little stronger.

Me and my boyfriend did a lot of napping after school. His house, my house, whatever. We were really big on napping. Well one afternoon his older brother was home and he was stepping on my boyfriends bed --- which I had just been napping on --- with his shoes on. ALL OVER THE PILLOW. I was disgusted. I told my boyfriend about it and his response? "Oh, he does that a lot."

Excuse me?

My face was just smashed into that pillow not too long ago as I was drifted into blissful sleep and you're saying I was basically cuddling up with whatever shit was on the bottom of his shoe?! 

Needless to say I went home that night and took the longest shower of my life before getting into my own bed for the night.

From there the OCD just got worse. I'd shower every night I came home from his house. Then it turned into I had to vacuum before showering before bed every night. Then other things started happening; I was really big on keeping things "clean" and I suddenly had excessive urges to wash my hands. To not walk around barefoot even though we have carpet. Certain things couldn't be touched after I took a shower if I wasn't sure if it was "clean" or not. If my hand grazed the wall on accident trying to turn on a light switch I'd have to wash my hands. I was set on doing my own laundry because I wanted to make sure it was "clean". I'd keep my door closed so my pets couldn't roam into my room making my floor "dirty" even though my mom still did it and it caused me to vacuum twice a day, every day. 

And the anxiety just kept getting worse and worse. I remember the peek of it. I remember how helpless and confined and scared and out of control I felt. I remember how crazy my thoughts were because I didn't know what was happening or why or where it came from. All I knew was that it felt like there was a parasite in my brain telling me these things that didn't make sense, these things I had to do in order to "be calm" and that voice was SO STRONG. I remember it being so very strong and I remember trying to fight it and breaking down and crying because fighting against it meant my anxiety would run wild. 

I battled depression since I was 13. But I battled it alone and in secret. My mom is a psych nurse and she could tell I was depressed growing up and she would always say, "if you're depressed let me know" but other times she would say "if they find out you're crazy they'll throw you in my hospital." and for a very long time I didn't want to go to the doctor about my depression or my OCD because I was scared they would think I was crazy and lock me away. And it's a shame I grew up thinking that, maybe I could had gotten help sooner. 

In 2006, my OCD had completely taken over my life and my thoughts and I was so far gone that I was completely out of control. I was miserable. I was pretending. I was a huge huge mess. And so I bit the bullet and I started looking for a therapist. It took me two tries to find the perfect one. The first one I saw did nothing but try to push drugs on me which I declined --- I wanted to beat this on my own. And she told me that there was no way to cure it with just therapy alone and it's hopeless to even try. The only way is with drugs. So I thanked her for her time and moved on. The second therapist I saw didn't mind that I declined drugs but he was curious to know my battle plan and for a number of years he supported whatever idea I came up with. While therapy did and did not help, I will forever me thankful for his support when I felt so completely lost. The last time I saw him was in 2008 and I saw him again at the end of 2012 and when he saw me he looked shocked and said "you're not wearing a hood today." and I said "no, I'm not." and he said "last time I saw you, you were really concerned about keeping your hair clean so you'd always wear a hood." and I had completely forgotten about that. It touched me that he remembered and he noticed. Even after all these years.

It's a shame I had to move across the country and find another therapist. No other will compare to his dedication and support.

So it is now 2014 and I've lived with the ups and downs of OCD for ten years. There are times when I will "be better" and there are times where I will relapse and I think with OCD, it's so easy to because it's not some physical thing you can put your finger on. It's something that just happens. You can't really control it physically, you can't see it and you can't touch it.

I recently made the decision to start medication. Because I can't do this on my own and it's gotten to the point where it's taking over my life again. So I'm on the lowest dosage of Zoloft, half a pill a day for 7 days then a full pill once a day for 7 more days just to see where it goes. While waiting for that to kick in I'm on an anti-anxiety medication called Clonazepam again the lowest dosage anywhere from 1/4 to half a pill three times a day or as needed. I usually take half a pill during the day and 1/4 at night since the mixture of both the Clonazepam and Zoloft makes me drowsy.

So, this is my journey. 

Hopefully into taking my life back.