Or go down in flames...

11 years.

Yup. 11 years today I was a normal 19 year old who was hanging out with a boy who made her feel alive. Who made her laugh, who made her smile, who had a way with words that always made her feel special. He was perfect. Perfect for someone who's 19. We were watching MXC as we always did after dinner at his parents house and eating chocoate chocolate chip ice cream. He kept kissing me. "Your lips are really soft. I'm going to have to buy you a lifetime supply of ice cream." I never did get that lifetime supply. In fact, he's prevented from buying ice cream more than he has allowed me to buy ice cream. So we were sitting there, watching TV and I was blissfully unaware he was staring at me until he leaned over and said "what about the 5th?" we had this on going joke that we'd get together on a Friday the 13th and there was one in February. So I was a little surprised by his suggestion. I shook my head not really understanding and he laughed. And it occurred to me. "Oh shit, are you asking me out?" I blurted. He laughed again, "well I'm trying to." I felt pretty stupid so he took my head and he goes "babe, will you go out with me?" 

He was like that back then, even though he hated life like I did. We were both consumed in separate drama for separate reasons. Me with my abusive ex boyfriend and him with a girl who wished she was his ex girlfriend (which just makes it even crazier). And it was like, we were the lifeline for the other person. There were days that hit us so hard we would just sit in silence and cuddle, not saying a word. Not needing to. He was fun, he was understanding, he was sweet and considerate and he was a good person despite the hand that was dealt to him by life. He kept a smile on my face and my heart swelling with nothing but good feelings.

Fast forward to 11 years later. I know, trust me, I hate it too.

And suddenly one week or perhaps it was one night, I don't really remember at this point, everything changed. He was always irritable. Always angry. Always impatient and had nothing positive or nice to say to me. He wasn't encouraging, instead he would tell me you're not going to do shit anyway when I would tell him of my new plans. And that's how he was. I'm the type of person who loves being inspired. I love to create despite that my imagination thanks to OCD is limited, but I still try. And you would expect your husband to be your biggest fan. Always. Right? This was the guy who happily drove me to every single Walgreens in the BAY AREA in search of ONE NAIL POLISH. This is the guy who drove me happily to every book signing I could get to and was proud of me every time an author greeted me by name when I walked up. This was the guy who would read me books when I was too tired to read. This is the guy who would put on Alice in Wonderland or Serendipity when I was having a bad OCD night. 

This was the guy.

This isn't the guy.

I don't know who this guy is. I don't know what he wants from me. I don't know what he wants from life. I don't know what his favorite food is or his favorite color or what he likes to do for fun besides SnapChat other girls at 2AM and ignore me all day long. I don't know him. And honestly, at this point, I don't think I want to know him either.

New Years Eve was a pretty rough night for me. It's the second NYE I didn't get to spend with my mom and I even turned down going through with my yearly tradition. He was never into traditions anyway. So I was in bed by 1030 that night. He left to watch the fireworks even though he hates watching fireworks and he snapped all his chick friends Happy New Year and I got nothing. Luckily for me, a friend of mine had posted a stream of it happening on Main Street. Sure we could had both simply walked outside and watched it but you know what, it was kind of nice to watch it on Main Street with the music and the fireworks surrounding you (or rather the camera man, same deal) and I texted everyone I knew on the East Coast with Happy New Years and at 3am everyone on the West Coast. I didn't get a kiss, or a happy new year from him. 

It was like 2014 was a year of big scary painful changes and 2015 is a year of letting it all go.

 

Prior to midnight on NYE I was in the middle of a really hard hitting anxiety attack. I was alone in my room, in the dark and I was playing with this knife. I've had this knife close to me since I had to leave my job in August but I never took it out, until then. I ran it along my leg thinking of how nice it would feel to feel something other than the ball of painful chaos in the middle of my chest that won't go away. Thinking of something other than the fact that marriage has failed and the person who vowed to love, protect and take care of me has done none of those things in over a year. 

What I don't understand is if your wife has a mental problem why would you do things to trigger her with zero compassion? Why would you purposely hurt her? Why would you tell her to shut up and go to sleep when she's sobbing in bed next to you after another night you came home at 5am? You're suppose to be protecting her. Instead you abandon her. And besides the lies and the creeping around, that's something I can not forgive. I didn't cut myself. Instead I gave myself a rather big bruise on my leg, as you can see. I hit harder than I thought and I actually fell to the floor crying. At least it got my mind of the anxiety!

A few nights later this happened.

Some chick he works with who decided to voice her opinion about me despite what my original tweet had said. He seems to pick these girls who are under 23 and have this selfish bitchy vibe to them I'm seeing. Like every girl he's talked to, hung out with, constantly SnapChats with... they're all the same with different faces. The fact that she sent him a snapshot of my tweet laughing gave me the impression they had some sort of inside joke about me or that he was talking to her about how crazy I am. It's like that quote....

I'm not wondering what they said, I'm wondering why they told YOU what they said.

I thought I was prepared and over all types of betrayal by him at this point. I mean pretty much anything that could happen in that department has already happened + more.  And because she is pretty much a child, she kept on going with talking shit about me on her Twitter. And what did he do? Defend her, of course. Blame me, of course. Never mind that I was hurt or sad because obviously my emotions have no place in his life this passed year. He allows these chicks (3 total in the passed 12 months) to talk about me/talk to me like this. Without a hint of respect that you are aware that you're SnapChatting a married man at 2AM every two hours aren't you? If that isn't home wrecker action then I don't know what is. And I ended up anxious again because I felt betrayed again and I ended up punching myself in the jaw and slapping the shit out my face. I didn't bruise and I didn't make it sore, thank goodness. And of course when I tell him this he doesn't respond. I don't know what to say. So you choose to ignore me all together? I don't feel like a wife. I feel like a server. After literally beating myself up I suppose I went into shock or something because I became incredibly calm. And went to sleep.

11 years.

The Dissolution of Marriage papers have already been printed. My appointment for for an STD screening has already passed. I just need to focus on what is ahead. I have a year of pretty exciting things going on. It's just the limbo state that sucks so much.

Why hello, 2015

It is now officially 2015! 

Which means that all the bullcrap I went through in 2014 is over! Except, that's not really how life works. It is 2015, however the bullcrap that was going on in 2014? Yeah, it's still going.

M hates that picture even though I blurred it. But I think it's a pretty damn profound picture. Wish I had shot it with a better camera but alas, the best photos are usually taken with an iPhone. Portability or something.

This year I don't have any resolutions. I stopped doing that last year and went on to do onelittleword instead. I felt like resolutions are like this solid by the book list or things you had to cross off and the majority of them were things I didn't even get close to. So I decided to give myself the choice and flexibility and also not so much pressure through the year to keep reminding myself oh! I need to get started on this so I can check it off! Last year my word was [ happiness ] and I think I did a fairly good job at keeping that word in mind and making it come alive. Of course life does get in the way and it got in the way so much stronger and meaner than I ever thought it would but it did encourage me to push harder and reevaluate my life, my thought pattern and my emotions.

This year my word is [ rediscover ].

And I think after everything that has happened, it's a pretty good word to stand by and find ways to make it come alive. I'm on an extension of the journey I began last year and while I'm still trying to get back on the path of recovery that I oh so fell off of, I'm also on the journey to figuring out who I am. By myself. I haven't been by myself in over 11 years. Maybe longer than that. And all these years I spent taking care of someone else, I neglected myself. And now that shit has hit the fan, as hard and as painful (though I don't really see why) as it is, I need to walk away. For me. To better myself. To fully heal. Because sadly, the more time I spend around him, the more I'm taking two steps back. He's not here to help me or guide me or protect me. He's only making my journey that much harder and I hate to say that not really because at one point he was my biggest fan. But people change. They grow in different directions. They don't see the world in the same way. 

Yes, I have manners and expectations and I deal with situations differently and sometimes I forget that I'm expecting others to deal with these situations the way I would when they're far too young to even understand it. Call me when your frontal lobe is fully developed. But you are the company you keep, and I can't say the company he keeps is full of good people. Or even decent people. And so he brings all that crap and negative energy back home and --- I feel like Phoebe in the first episode of FRIENDS where she's picking at Ross' aura. Yeah I kinda feel like doing that, around my apartment.

In addition to my onelittleword I do have goals. Basic things I hope to accomplish as the year goes on.

• Read 50 books (yes I went back to 50)
• Transfer to Full Sail
• Allow my business to grow
• Look into starting a non-profit
• Look into / (and if you're daring enough) start an apparel line
• Start meditating and doing night time/morning yoga
• Practice gratitude and work on not letting other people harm you
• Be a bit more consistent with YouTube and blogging
• Start learning French again
• Less stuff, more growth

Here's to hoping for a fantastic year in which I finally be control of my own mind, my own actions and my own destination. It's going to be a challenge and it's going to be tough at times, that I can already tell --- as is anything else that counts as a big change in your life but I'm confident that I will come out of this year happier, stronger and in a much more positive place.

What are some things you hope to accomplish this year?

Blogtober? Sure, why not!

Blogtober. Blog-what? With the many things I'm already facing and the challenges I've already set (okay well the one other one anyway), I've decided to jump head first into another one. Because... I like Fall and I like challenges and I need to start blogging (on my five different blogs --- apparently) again. And maybe this will make me more productive than just sitting here playing FreeCell and watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians and realizing I didn't do anything with my day.

So today we'll do a bit of catching up since it's been awhile since I last updated.

I know I was suppose to stick to this blog and document my journey and everything that was going on but... it just didn't really work out that way for some reason. Not that I didn't have anything to talk about --- I had plenty to talk about but I just never got around to writing any of those entries. And now, looking back, I wish I had. Even if the whole entry was pretty much a tweet. Just something to remember this journey by.

So Fall is here. Just not here. Because it's basically year round summer in Florida. It's like, summer without the rain. That's pretty much our Fall and Winter here. Except in January when it actually gets REALLY cold. So since I don't get that crisp air, or the trees shedding their leaves, I tend to surround myself with Fall themed things or places. Like sipping on a Pumpkin Spice Frapp with caramel sauce. Tastes just like a pie! My favorite! Panera's Pumpkin cookies are also my favorite, I love the icing. They rolled out a new flatbread sandwich with turkey, cranberry and spinach and OMG, it's amazing. Dipped in the Autumn Squash Soup? Yes. Fall, in your mouth! I can't wait to go back and get it again! I've fallen out of love with PB because they haven't had anything new lately, I'm so glad I stumbled on this when I did. Seriously, that sandwich is amazing. Stocked up on a serious amount of Caramel Apple candy from the Halloween section at Target. I haven't tried any yet, but I'm thinking of doing a taste review video!

We moved into a bigger apartment which is great cause we don't feel so stuffed up but I still have a ton of sorting and tossing and fixing up to do. Lots of stuff still need to find a home for. 

There was an earthquake back home that was I think a 6.0 and it was 3 miles away from St. Helena which is really close to Napa which is really close to Vallejo. And it's so strange because we've never had an earthquake from that area before. It usually comes from the San Fran side. And a 6 is pretty strong. I saw it break on Facebook then on Twitter. Called my mom and made sure everything was okay back home. She said everyone is fine, nothing is broken and the girls are okay. It's just my brother's dog Joy that was frantic. But at least everything is okay. Still, that's pretty scary. And they had aftershocks all week. If you hate earthquakes, don't move to California! Personally, I kind of like them. I like them better than standing in a hurricane at least.

We went to Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party this year again and I actually dressed up! As a Scarecrow! There were WAYYYY too many people this year but I did meet a bunch of really cool people dressed in Kingdom Hearts cosplay and we managed to get a ton of candy (that we're not going to eat --- let's be real) and it was an okay time. I got to take a bunch of pictures with my YSBH sign and stuff... but it wasn't as great as last year. I think because it was so crowded this year and most people didn't even know what they were doing. 

As far as everything else goes; I've been a bit stressed out this weekend and I haven't been feeling all that well this week. I've been disoriented and dizzy and I keep waking up with headaches. I got antibiotics for my throat because I had a small trace of Strep so I have to take that 2x a day along with the rest of my medication and it's just.... a lot. My mom says that nothing should really be impacting anything else I'm taking and I should be fine. Maybe it's just me tripping myself out. Or the stress. I just need to breathe and relax and just... I need to clean this office actually and this living room because I'm not feeling very zen right now and it's sort of frustrating me. I have this huge closet and I need to start putting things away and building my drawers so I can either decide to get another set of drawers to stack on top or get the long one that's like a closet. I need to see how big it is first and if it'll fit in my closet without making it look cluttered. I'm suppose to be turning this place into a relaxing nest and I haven't really been doing much of anything lately. Just trying to adjust to the medication and stuff. 

So here's to hopefully keeping up with this thing and blogging every day in October! Are you excited?! I'm kinda nervous lol.

Happiness begins with you...

[ credit Pinterest ]

Growing up I think the media and Disney films have portrayed that in order to be happy, you have to either be rich or in love. So whenever we jump into a relationship we get those bubbly happy feelings in the beginning. Then they begin to fade, we break up, date someone else, blahblahblah. But through the relationship a lot of your emotions are controlled by the other person. If the other person is down and you're up, they'll get mad at you so it's almost like while I'm sad you can't be happy sort of deal. Which is kind of stupid.

While reading all these health based articles about meditation and about finding happiness a lot of it repeat on solid thing --- happiness starts with you. YOU should be the ONLY person in control of YOUR happiness. You shouldn't give that job to ANYONE ELSE. 

And I don't know why I never thought of that. I mean during a break up of course I'd try to cheer myself up, and get over it but I never thought to focus on creating my own happiness with myself. If that makes sense. And now that I'm stuck on this epically difficult journey, I'm trying my best to remind myself to practice gratitude (which is freakin hard). To do things that do make me happy. Fall is coming around and all the fall decor is starting to pop up in craft stores so I've been checking them out week by week. Halloween is coming soon and that's one of my favorite holidays. But I'm still trying to find things to deck my apartment and room out with fall stuff. I've made some centerpieces, the one in my bathroom being my favorite one but I don't know what else to include!

I came across this quote on Pinterest today and I thought it was interesting because of how accurately true it is. You don't know just how powerful your mind is or how strongly it can turn against you until you're dealing with something like OCD. It can completely take over your life, your mind and your actions and you feel like you're trapped in a glass cage, just watching yourself doing these things that don't make sense without the ability to stop it. Without the ability to make the anxious feeling go away just because your shirt accidentally grazed the washer on the way to the dryer. Because now everything is ruined. 

 

Trying to rewire your brain is such a hard  thing to do because... how did it rewire into this in the first place? Where did it come from? And I can feel my brain being retrained, I can feel my OCD voice sitting in a corner her voice quieter and quieter. But with that comes a surge of emotions as side effects of the medication. My mind in the last 24 hours has been bombarded with things that make me sad. A conversation that bothered me. The lack of reassurance that followed and just being hurt all over again. 

 

And I feel like I'm at square one. I feel like when I started this journey I was off to a good start. I was starting to be more calm. I was getting better at being mindful. Not letting things bother me. And somewhere, somehow it just all slipped away from me. I'm not a fist full of fury angry anymore, I'm not crying every night but I still feel the hurt in the middle of my chest. Just without the ability to cry. And I don't want to talk about it with the person it involves because he'll just make it worse. There's nothing he can say or do that will fix this at this point. That time has passed. And even if he did try, it would be out of character for him to be kind the way a spouse is suppose to be. That shit only happens on TV. 

 

So the last 24 hours have sucked. Emotionally. I got out of bed late again today --- 3PM. Which isn't TOO bad. I think my worst was 6PM. No joke. But I need to start forcing myself up from 10AM - 12PM and getting things done. Maybe if I just GOT UP and did productive things I would feel better than laying in bed staring at the ceiling wondering why me.

 

So let's try that tomorrow. Let's try to get up AT LEAST by 1130AM.

Meditation... am I doing this right?

I decided to look into meditation and yoga before deciding on taking medication. I thought this is my last natural resort to try and rewire my brain myself. And it was something I hadn't tried yet, something I hadn't actually put much consideration into because well... I'm impatient. 

So I looked it up. And came across articles like this and this and this, articles that tell you how your life will change and you'll be calmer, it'll help you sleep and all these other amazing health benefits. A few tips, how to do it... all of that good stuff. Only to discover.... there isn't just ONE way to do either! Uh okay... now what? So I looked into all the different types of meditation and I researched which ones helped the most when it came to anxiety and Mindfulness came up.

[ credit: Pinterest ]

I just love infographics, don't you? They're fun!

From my understanding, when it comes to Mindfulness meditation the goal isn't to completely clear your mind. I mean, it is, but it isn't. It's more to be aware of yourself, your surroundings, of the thoughts that are floating in your mind --- to be aware of them but not to stick them around, just let them flow right passed you. 

For about a week every night before bed I would sit and I would try to relax and I would breathe. And my mind, I suppose because the day is pretty much over and all I had to do was some simple Yoga and go to bed after this, was pretty much empty. Which kind of frustrated me but it shouldn't had because it meant more time to be aware of myself. My breathing. Which I had a hard time doing. Which I still have a hard time doing. I keep telling myself inhale, exhale, feel the inhale and exhale --- wait, I didn't feel that exhale. Maybe you should exhale deeper. Wait, no don't do that, you'll get dizzy. You know what, just breathe. Seriously. My train of meditation thoughts.

I feel like I'm doing this wrong.

But I can't be mad because I literally just started. Going from this brain who has White Rabbit Syndrome (I made that up --- I feel like I'm the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland all the time saying I'm late! I'm late! because I literally always feel like I'm racing against time. Against what exactly? I don't know.) who always has to be on the GO and forcing myself to sit. Still. And breathe. And not think. Is going to be a challenge!

But how can you get something if you don't practice, right? So I'll keep at it. 

But seriously, am I doing this right?