Why hello, 2015

It is now officially 2015! 

Which means that all the bullcrap I went through in 2014 is over! Except, that's not really how life works. It is 2015, however the bullcrap that was going on in 2014? Yeah, it's still going.

M hates that picture even though I blurred it. But I think it's a pretty damn profound picture. Wish I had shot it with a better camera but alas, the best photos are usually taken with an iPhone. Portability or something.

This year I don't have any resolutions. I stopped doing that last year and went on to do onelittleword instead. I felt like resolutions are like this solid by the book list or things you had to cross off and the majority of them were things I didn't even get close to. So I decided to give myself the choice and flexibility and also not so much pressure through the year to keep reminding myself oh! I need to get started on this so I can check it off! Last year my word was [ happiness ] and I think I did a fairly good job at keeping that word in mind and making it come alive. Of course life does get in the way and it got in the way so much stronger and meaner than I ever thought it would but it did encourage me to push harder and reevaluate my life, my thought pattern and my emotions.

This year my word is [ rediscover ].

And I think after everything that has happened, it's a pretty good word to stand by and find ways to make it come alive. I'm on an extension of the journey I began last year and while I'm still trying to get back on the path of recovery that I oh so fell off of, I'm also on the journey to figuring out who I am. By myself. I haven't been by myself in over 11 years. Maybe longer than that. And all these years I spent taking care of someone else, I neglected myself. And now that shit has hit the fan, as hard and as painful (though I don't really see why) as it is, I need to walk away. For me. To better myself. To fully heal. Because sadly, the more time I spend around him, the more I'm taking two steps back. He's not here to help me or guide me or protect me. He's only making my journey that much harder and I hate to say that not really because at one point he was my biggest fan. But people change. They grow in different directions. They don't see the world in the same way. 

Yes, I have manners and expectations and I deal with situations differently and sometimes I forget that I'm expecting others to deal with these situations the way I would when they're far too young to even understand it. Call me when your frontal lobe is fully developed. But you are the company you keep, and I can't say the company he keeps is full of good people. Or even decent people. And so he brings all that crap and negative energy back home and --- I feel like Phoebe in the first episode of FRIENDS where she's picking at Ross' aura. Yeah I kinda feel like doing that, around my apartment.

In addition to my onelittleword I do have goals. Basic things I hope to accomplish as the year goes on.

• Read 50 books (yes I went back to 50)
• Transfer to Full Sail
• Allow my business to grow
• Look into starting a non-profit
• Look into / (and if you're daring enough) start an apparel line
• Start meditating and doing night time/morning yoga
• Practice gratitude and work on not letting other people harm you
• Be a bit more consistent with YouTube and blogging
• Start learning French again
• Less stuff, more growth

Here's to hoping for a fantastic year in which I finally be control of my own mind, my own actions and my own destination. It's going to be a challenge and it's going to be tough at times, that I can already tell --- as is anything else that counts as a big change in your life but I'm confident that I will come out of this year happier, stronger and in a much more positive place.

What are some things you hope to accomplish this year?

Summer colds...

Damn these summer colds. I swear, this happens to me every single July/August. Usually around the time I'm getting ready to move. 

It started yesterday, or rather the day before yesterday when we went to Tampa.

My throat gets all icky and scratchy and the phlegm gets significantly worse until it's at the point where it is now and I just want to hawk out my entire lung area and start over. Did I mention it causes me to lose my voice? Yeah, I realized I had lost it when I was telling Siri to wake me up in half an hour and she looked up directions for me in a place that doesn't exist CAUSE THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID. 

I mentioned to Alexis I needed to start adding pictures to my blog posts cause all text is just boring. But I'm not exactly sure what I would post pictures of since I'm not sure what's relevant... if I posted pics of my med bottles well that would probably convey a really bad image lol.

I love how I'm not formally blogging here like I do with my other blogs and I'm pretty much just rambling. This is awesome. It's been years since I've rambled in a blog! Blogging has really changed in the last ten years by the way. 

Anyway. 

Night 2 of a full pill was last night. It's getting easier to swallow (pun intended!), the fear isn't really bothering me anymore. So far things have been good. Steady. I feel like it's something I can hold on to that won't let me down as long as I keep doing what I'm suppose to be doing. I'm not too much afraid of relapse anymore, I've got that extra push that's reminding me to keep going. One foot in front of the other. One day after another. The voice that tells me I'm worthless or that basically has trapped me for the last ten years is still there, I can feel it. Sitting in a corner, watching. But it's not saying anything. Each day that passes it gets more and more powerless. I think it's a little mad at me, this might sound scary but I have a small fear it might be plotting revenge. It can't control me anymore. The compulsions I still do are things that I'm use to, things that I know will take a while for me to stop doing, to basically remind me myself to forget to do them. If that makes sense. But with the progress I'm making, I'm confident that I'll "forget" them in time.

I think the part I am most excited about is that my desire to do things is coming back. I almost wrote a to-do list today. My desire to blog, to read, to create is creeping back in. My desire to be around things that inspire me. I walked around the apartment smiling every now and then yesterday just thinking about random things and it was so nice. It was so nice to feel that way. 

I feel like the last 3 months have taken my life and turned it inside out and I can point fingers. I can play the blame game. I can sit here and continue to be angry at them but I choose not to. Instead I'll use this new energy to rebuild myself. 

M came home at 4AM this morning, again. And I texted him when I woke up suddenly at 330 to find his phone was off again so either it died or he was hiding from me. Either way, I wasn't upset. I literally rolled over and just went back to sleep. It turns out his phone died cause he was FaceTiming his younger siblings while he went on his nightly walk and lost track of time as always. Whatever, I didn't care, I just wanted sleep. And while it was nice to for once not go bat shit crazy and care it was also sad. Sad that he looks at it as me just going crazy and not me being worried. But that's not my problem anymore. I basically told him this morning I was never going to let someone take away my passions or make me feel guilty for loving food and crafts I may never learn. This is my life, I can do and be into what I want for any reason I choose. Back off. 

So here's to doing just that. Living for me. Taking care of me first before anyone else. Staying strong. Being consumed by my passions and forgetting the world like I use to.

No one's going to stop me ever again.