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Saturday, December 27, 2014

I'm still a mess... I've got a long way to go...

Hello!

I know it's been awhile since I have been here, I've switched accounts and sadly this is the only blog left on this account that isn't on my new account and I'm not into the mood of moving it. So... here it stays. 

Whoa got a little distracted right there.

Things are going.... well, they're going. That's all that matters. One foot in front of the other and eventually I'll get to where I need to be. This blog was suppose to be where I wrote down everything in my life that was going on, everything that frustrated me and everything that is part of the healing process. And I haven't done that. I'm sorry self, I'll try to do better. Considering there are exciting things that are bound to be happening very soon.

Also, my YouTube and my blog, though they're coming from the same place have completely different content. I just noticed that. How strange...

So today, I had a big of anxiety and I vlogged about it earlier. If you'd like to see that video, it's right [[ here ]]. I don't know the source or why now, why today. But I do know on Tuesday night, after M hung out with his friend I woke up twice that night crying from bad dreams. Though in the first bad dream, I did manage to shoot up her car. Don't know if she was in it or not but that doesn't matter. Maybe I was crying because she wasn't and the bitch got away. Who knows. 

But last night I reached out to the 3rd person in their little circle of bff's and I guess this was a bad idea. Since she was close to M's friend I don't know what made me think she might actually be a nice and decent person because she really is not.



It sort of made me really mad how she said I don't even know you so how can I feel like I owe you something or even be able to betray you. When she was in on the whole him telling them not to tell me where he is the night he didn't come home. It was HER going away dinner. But it was her friend I called the cops on as well as him. She got on a plane before I thought to call the cops, lucky her. Then she says that I've never had close guy friends. Are you kidding me? I'm not even going to get into that because it's not relevant. The bottom line is I asked her a simple question and instead of a yes or no answer, she goes rage bitch on me. The only other time I've messaged her was when M was missing asking if she knew where he was --- to which she didn't even respond to.

You would think if someone was hanging out with your husband they would at least have the decency to respect you. But obviously these two girls don't understand the meaning of respect. Then again, neither does M so I guess that's what made them all BFF's. 

Did I mention I wasn't allowed to meet her and I'm not allowed to meet his "BFF" he hangs out with every single Tuesday for 12-16 hours? Yeah. I'm not allowed to meet her, EVER. I'm not allowed to go visit the park he works at. Nothing. I can't even watch Fantasmic. 

So all this stuff just piling up is stressing me out and he acts like I just have to get over it. Like it's not a big deal. And the best part --- he thinks he's completely innocent. So yeah. I'm here, in my bubble of crazy I guess. Feeling stressed out and hurt because of no reason at all since it's not like he's doing anything wrong

Yup.

I think it's time for bed.

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