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Saturday, January 3, 2015

Why hello, 2015



It is now officially 2015! 

Which means that all the bullcrap I went through in 2014 is over! Except, that's not really how life works. It is 2015, however the bullcrap that was going on in 2014? Yeah, it's still going.

M hates that picture even though I blurred it. But I think it's a pretty damn profound picture. Wish I had shot it with a better camera but alas, the best photos are usually taken with an iPhone. Portability or something.

This year I don't have any resolutions. I stopped doing that last year and went on to do onelittleword instead. I felt like resolutions are like this solid by the book list or things you had to cross off and the majority of them were things I didn't even get close to. So I decided to give myself the choice and flexibility and also not so much pressure through the year to keep reminding myself oh! I need to get started on this so I can check it off! Last year my word was [ happiness ] and I think I did a fairly good job at keeping that word in mind and making it come alive. Of course life does get in the way and it got in the way so much stronger and meaner than I ever thought it would but it did encourage me to push harder and reevaluate my life, my thought pattern and my emotions.

This year my word is [ rediscover ].

And I think after everything that has happened, it's a pretty good word to stand by and find ways to make it come alive. I'm on an extension of the journey I began last year and while I'm still trying to get back on the path of recovery that I oh so fell off of, I'm also on the journey to figuring out who I am. By myself. I haven't been by myself in over 11 years. Maybe longer than that. And all these years I spent taking care of someone else, I neglected myself. And now that shit has hit the fan, as hard and as painful (though I don't really see why) as it is, I need to walk away. For me. To better myself. To fully heal. Because sadly, the more time I spend around him, the more I'm taking two steps back. He's not here to help me or guide me or protect me. He's only making my journey that much harder and I hate to say that not really because at one point he was my biggest fan. But people change. They grow in different directions. They don't see the world in the same way. 

Yes, I have manners and expectations and I deal with situations differently and sometimes I forget that I'm expecting others to deal with these situations the way I would when they're far too young to even understand it. Call me when your frontal lobe is fully developed. But you are the company you keep, and I can't say the company he keeps is full of good people. Or even decent people. And so he brings all that crap and negative energy back home and --- I feel like Phoebe in the first episode of FRIENDS where she's picking at Ross' aura. Yeah I kinda feel like doing that, around my apartment.

In addition to my onelittleword I do have goals. Basic things I hope to accomplish as the year goes on.

  • Read 50 books (yes I went back to 50)
  • Transfer to Full Sail
  • Allow my business to grow
  • Look into starting a non-profit
  • Look into / (and if you're daring enough) start an apparel line
  • Start meditating and doing night time/morning yoga
  • Practice gratitude and work on not letting other people harm you
  • Be a bit more consistent with YouTube and blogging
  • Start learning French again
  • Less stuff, more growth

Here's to hoping for a fantastic year in which I finally be control of my own mind, my own actions and my own destination. It's going to be a challenge and it's going to be tough at times, that I can already tell --- as is anything else that counts as a big change in your life but I'm confident that I will come out of this year happier, stronger and in a much more positive place.

What are some things you hope to accomplish this year?

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