Monday, August 11, 2014

Happiness begins with you...

[ credit Pinterest ]

Growing up I think the media and Disney films have portrayed that in order to be happy, you have to either be rich or in love. So whenever we jump into a relationship we get those bubbly happy feelings in the beginning. Then they begin to fade, we break up, date someone else, blahblahblah. But through the relationship a lot of your emotions are controlled by the other person. If the other person is down and you're up, they'll get mad at you so it's almost like while I'm sad you can't be happy sort of deal. Which is kind of stupid.

While reading all these health based articles about meditation and about finding happiness a lot of it repeat on solid thing --- happiness starts with you. YOU should be the ONLY person in control of YOUR happiness. You shouldn't give that job to ANYONE ELSE. 

And I don't know why I never thought of that. I mean during a break up of course I'd try to cheer myself up, and get over it but I never thought to focus on creating my own happiness with myself. If that makes sense. And now that I'm stuck on this epically difficult journey, I'm trying my best to remind myself to practice gratitude (which is freakin hard). To do things that do make me happy. Fall is coming around and all the fall decor is starting to pop up in craft stores so I've been checking them out week by week. Halloween is coming soon and that's one of my favorite holidays. But I'm still trying to find things to deck my apartment and room out with fall stuff. I've made some centerpieces, the one in my bathroom being my favorite one but I don't know what else to include!

I came across this quote on Pinterest today and I thought it was interesting because of how accurately true it is. You don't know just how powerful your mind is or how strongly it can turn against you until you're dealing with something like OCD. It can completely take over your life, your mind and your actions and you feel like you're trapped in a glass cage, just watching yourself doing these things that don't make sense without the ability to stop it. Without the ability to make the anxious feeling go away just because your shirt accidentally grazed the washer on the way to the dryer. Because now everything is ruined
Trying to rewire your brain is such a hard  thing to do because... how did it rewire into this in the first place? Where did it come from? And I can feel my brain being retrained, I can feel my OCD voice sitting in a corner her voice quieter and quieter. But with that comes a surge of emotions as side effects of the medication. My mind in the last 24 hours has been bombarded with things that make me sad. A conversation that bothered me. The lack of reassurance that followed and just being hurt all over again. 
And I feel like I'm at square one. I feel like when I started this journey I was off to a good start. I was starting to be more calm. I was getting better at being mindful. Not letting things bother me. And somewhere, somehow it just all slipped away from me. I'm not a fist full of fury angry anymore, I'm not crying every night but I still feel the hurt in the middle of my chest. Just without the ability to cry. And I don't want to talk about it with the person it involves because he'll just make it worse. There's nothing he can say or do that will fix this at this point. That time has passed. And even if he did try, it would be out of character for him to be kind the way a spouse is suppose to be. That shit only happens on TV. 
So the last 24 hours have sucked. Emotionally. I got out of bed late again today --- 3PM. Which isn't TOO bad. I think my worst was 6PM. No joke. But I need to start forcing myself up from 10AM - 12PM and getting things done. Maybe if I just GOT UP and did productive things I would feel better than laying in bed staring at the ceiling wondering why me.
So let's try that tomorrow. Let's try to get up AT LEAST by 1130AM.

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