Monday, July 14, 2014

Motivation Monday

This is a weekly thing I do on my lifestyle blog but I figure why not do it here too. Sans the goals I hope to achieve at the end of the week cause I ain't ready for all that just yet!

I usually pick a quote, usually something I see on Pinterest and add it to my blog post and kinda just talk about why I picked it.

For those who have been around me, I've kinda been living under a very depressing dark rock the last three months and I feel like the last three months just completely flipped my life inside out and I wish I could talk about what it was that did that but I don't think actually putting a name or reason to it would help either way and I'm trying to move passed it anyway. All I know was that I had never felt so alone or abandoned. I had never been so offended or hurt and I had never felt so betrayed by someone I trusted.

But it's like they say... Betrayal never comes from an enemy.

And that's something hard to remember. 

Growing up with depression, I fell apart a lot. After a break up, after situations with family members, when life just plain flat out sucked and sometimes just for no reason. I was always just falling apart and I would wait. I would wait until I hit the absolute hard rock bottom because that's when the best idea's came from. The best idea's on how to heal myself, on what to do, on where to go from here and it happened so often that the waiting became natural.

Since my OCD hit in 2004 it made dealing with depression very very complicated. It fed off each other. It fed off each other and intensified the other until my mind literally felt like it was going to explode out of my fuckin head and the only thing I could do was scream. I don't know what shifted, I don't know what I did. But I had to get rid of one and depression left. That's not to say I was never depressed, it was just a different level of sadness. You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness... but I didn't allow it to feed the OCD like it had and I didn't allow the OCD to come in contact with the depression. Like I said, I don't know what changed, it just happened that way. The brain does things and my brain has done a number of things both good and bad that I can't explain.

I completely came undone the last 3 months. I barely made it through school. I barely talked to anyone. I was always angry and I barely went to work. If it weren't for A, I probably would had never left the house. I was just done. Done with everything and everyone and what was going on and what was and wasn't changing and the hoplessness. It's been so long since I've felt that hopeless. I hope to never feel it again.

But falling apart isn't always negative. Isn't always bad. Like I said, when I was younger that's where the best idea's and the best blog posts came from. But now that I'm older I'm more of at a loss. I don't know how to rebuild. I don't have any epic idea's like I did before. And I don't know if it has anything to do with the fact that now I'm married and then I wasn't. But being married and dealing with OCD and falling apart? That's a whole blog entry on it's own. 

So while the last 3 months have sucked, I'll take everything that happened into consideration. I'll hold my head up high and I'll find my way back. I'll find my answers. I'll find my solutions and I'll walk away with this knowing it was a lesson learned.

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