Thursday, July 10, 2014

Worse before better?

I'm nearing the end of my first week with Zoloft, meaning I can stop taking half and start taking a whole. Which sort of frightens me because the half made me pretty darn drowsy does that mean... the whole would make me twice as drowsy? Or does it not matter? I guess we shall find out!

I noticed yesterday morning I woke up really really depressed. Just for no particular reason. I just didn't have the desire to get up or do anything. I ended up laying in bed awhile longer watching Lilo & Stitch on Netflix before I got a voice mail from my leasing office about well... shit that stresses you out. So much for that relaxing moment... oh life.

But the depression seemed to stay with me the rest of the day, well into night when I was falling asleep. And it was a strong, deep, hopeless sort of depression. Not like the kind I've felt before but something entirely different. 

I woke up this morning with the same feeling and though now that it's almost 7PM it has lessened a bit but it's still pretty much there. I guess it doesn't help that my relationship life isn't really helping either but that's something I'd rather not talk about --- no matter how much it actually impacts this journey let's pretend it does not.

So I looked it up because that's what people do now with the power of the internet and Google and all that other stuff. And I came across this thread of people discussing the same issue. I know everyone reacts to medication, especially something like this completely differently than everyone else but it's nice to know that other people have experienced what I'm experiencing and that it will go away and there's nothing to worry about. I just have to push through.

In other news, I can see small changes that are working. Things I've wanted to talk about before and haven't. 

The other night I was with a friend in a crowded area, a typically crowded area and I normally hate when people touch me. If they brush up on me, if they accidentally touch me. Anything. It freaks me out, not sure why, but it's just this thing. So we're walking through this crowd and people are brushing up against me, bumping me, touching me and I'm just... walking right on through like none of this even matters. Like, I don't even care. And it wasn't until I got to a clearing that I realized what happened. We sat on a curb waiting for a parade to start and sitting ass-to-curb use to be a thing I did ALL THE TIME pre-OCD days but not something I do often or really ever now. But I plopped my ass down and waited and watched the parade with her, not moving, not caring, not freaking out. I didn't even dust my ass off like I "normally" would.

A pretty big accomplishment however happened last night.

I was sitting on my bedroom floor and I had my shoes on and I ran my hand across the carpet. Like, if you were just playing with it. It has been three years since my hand has touched carpet like that. THREE. YEARS. And I was just overwhelmed with happiness at what I was doing. I kept grabbing and running my hand over it and I wasn't freaking out. I wasn't worried. I wasn't set on getting up and washing my hands RIGHT NOW. I was enjoying every second of it.

Then when I went to take a shower my slipper accidentally hovered over the foot towel. I know my foot didn't come down so technically it didn't touch the towel so I shrugged it off and took a shower and moved on. Like it wasn't a big deal.

So things are changing --- little things. And while I'm excited about this new sense of freedom and not freaking out and getting anxiety I'm also a little scared. Because what happens? What happens when all these things I'm use to stop happening? What happens when it's the big things that start changing? What happens when it all goes away? What then? What will my life be like then? What will I be like then? It's like OCD is this friend that's always been with you, in your head, in your ear telling you these things (I never said it was a good friend) and with all these changes it's suddenly just me. Just me and silence. And it's almost like losing a part of you.

And I think a bit of my depression has to do with how I don't know how to deal with that.

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